When we have an expectation for a particular outcome and it appears that the outcome is being blocked we can become hopeless. We may even carry hopelessness into this lifetime from a past life trauma.
Hopelessness is a really heavy and burdensome feeling. Right up there with greed and fear. I wonder how do we over come it? I’ve learned to overcome fear and to overcome greed. Those tools came easily to me – Gratitude and Forgiveness. But hopelessness I do not understand so well. It is not my path but I find it is the path of some who are very close to me.
Being married for over 20 years, I’ve butted up against this dreaded emotion again. This time with my husband.
I’ve recently been contemplating the magic of sex. And the disappointment of sex. And the tug of war between half satisfaction and unmet desires brings me to question the expectation.
In reflecting on my 20+ years together with my husband, we’ve done a lot of experimental and crazy things in the name of sex. It’s not that it wasn’t great – some of it was and yet it’s all so dissatisfying anymore. So old school.
Recently I’ve realized no level of expectation is tolerable for me. The entire definition, description, act of sexual gratification is so defined, finite and honestly perverted – that I’m over it, at least in its current old paradigm form.
And my desire to throw out the baby with the bath water is alarming to my husband. He’s wrapped his sense of being loved by me up with our sexual life. His sense of well being. And at the same time my well-being is requiring complete freedom. Freedom from the distortion of what sex has become. I’m at ground zero. Starting over without definitions, expectations, norms, history, words. What is sex? I’m willing to say it’s an exchange of energy. And that’s it. I cannot say it is or should be more than that. I’m not willing to define it. Certainly not define it as anything more or less than an exchange of energy. And I’m not even sure I want to exchange that energy. I’m certainly not willing to give that energy away or let it be taken.
Now I understand this may all sound very strange. My husband sure had a hard time with it. His feeling about where I am on the idea of sex boils down to hopelessness. So I asked him recently to really feel into that. To fully embrace that our sex life as he knows it is hopeless. He almost had an an aneurism. Then he really mourned the loss. Cried. Got angry. All the stages of grief and disbelief. Even contemplated life with out me. I offered that he could move on from our relationship and that I wouldn’t hold anything against him for it. I fully realize that I’m asking him to take a leap of faith and for a guy raised atheist with a scientific mind, faith has never really been his thing. I needed him to let go of all expectation. To stop carrying the societal norms and definitions of sex and letting those influence our experience. I need ground zero. I need to not know what is next. And that requires us to be hopeless about ever going back. To be hopeless about our lives ever being as they were before. To be hopeless. And then to consciously give up the hopelessness. Not to replace it with hope but to decide not to carry around the feelings of hopelessness. Because disappointment and resentment don’t feel good. And hopelessness doesn’t feel good. To want something that no longer exists is hopeless. Better to memorialize it. To turn it into a vintage retro memory. And then to turn toward what is new. What is the future. To start. To co-create a new exchange of energy that has no limits, definition or expectation. To be bad at it. Starting at ground zero, looking forward into the unknown. With no idea what will come or expectation that anything will come – no container. No cage. Only limitless possibility and no measure or timeline for success. Just now. Just feeling. Just being. Just open. Not tangled. Or perverted or distorted.
When the buildings of the world trade towers came crumbling down, it was shocking. It was sad. It felt scary and hopeless. Life in America and maybe the world was never the same after that day. We’re all still throwing out our liquids and taking our shoes off before getting on an airplane. And where these buildings once stood, there will never again be buildings. We can remember? We can look at old skyline pictures but really holding on to the want for it to be un-true. For the people to be un-dead and the building to be resurrected. Well it’s a hopeless desire. Many workers at ground zero in the days following 9/11 had a look of hopelessness on their face in every picture, front page and interview. I’ve seen that same look on my husband’s face. No one can live with that level of dispare. It just isn’t sustainable.
And so we have to move forward. I’m excited to move forward. And so unwilling to look back that I’m even willing to move forward alone. It’s not that I don’t love him. Or that I don’t know he’s the best dad for my kids. It’s not that I don’t want or need him in my life, I do. what I don’t need is the expectation that things haven’t evolved. Or the look of dispare or the sense of disappointment. I’m not going back. Not being defined. Not giving myself for another’s satisfaction or gratification. Not owing anyone. Or owed by anyone for that matter.
I am exploring energy. Sharing energy. Creating intimacy. And redefining what it means to be married. Gary zukav calls it spiritual partnership. It’s the only kind of marriage I can fathom at this point in my life. I have no more capacity for the old way. No judgement, it was right for it’s time. But we are evolving. And quickly. Think about marriage in the 1950s. Then the sixties. The sixties were half a century ago. The revolution of sexual freedom has gone to an edge – it’s as far into the distortion as it can go. If Ghislaine Maxwell and Hugh Hefner aren’t enough to demonstrate the full pendulum swing from the puritanical prudish foundation this country was founded upon then I don’t know what could be. The pendulum has reached its maximum swing and all that is left is to swing back or step out of the clock and begin again.
Time is starting over. We’re experiencing an empire change. As great or even greater than when Rome overtook Greece or when Rome fell for that matter. Nothing lasts forever. And the old paradigm as it’s reflected in our lives. Even in our sex lives, is over. The new earth paradigm is here. It requires us to start at the creation point and speak it into existence. To create new ground. To co-create together. To shed the old skin. To evolve. I cant wait to see where we take this. What we co-create. How we relate, work together, raise our children and exchange energy. How we observe, listen, wait and look forward without knowing or expecting or feeling hopeless about the past not coming with us. To be wide eyed and lost in wonder. To explore and adventure. To find what’s around the corner not pre-conceive what it should be. To be surprised. To not know.
What is sex? I don’t know and I can’t wait to find out. Yes I’ve been married twice, had three children and lots of sex as defined by the old paradigm. I’m looking forward to leaving that behind like an outgrown skin. Im healing my womb. I’m saying intercourse is overrated. I’m listening deeply to my own wisdom. Im tuning into my inner child. My inner experiences from past lives. Im honoring my Divine feminine and healing my root chakra. Taking back my power. Creating an inner sanctuary. Welcoming only the sacred. Only the energy that resonates. Only the feeling of love where ever that leads. Never sacrificing or compromising. Neither facilitating the old versions or participating in the intention to objectify sex, women or create allowances for the degradation of the spiritual experience and energy exchange intrinsic to that word that is, sexuality.
No, I don’t need a therapist or marriage counselor. I’m 💯 aware of my path, my truth, my authentic self and my deep knowing. I know that we’ve crossed a threshold in time and space. Going back is no longer an option. And I am so excited to watch how the road ahead unfolds as we journey into the new empire together. Thriving. New. Willing.
I love my husband. He loves me. This might be our wildest adventure. I can’t imagine him not being with me. I’m certain this phase (is it a phase??) I’m going through won’t ruin our relationship. He is a bit freaked out that in his retirement I’m asking him to learn new tricks but he, a Capricorn – the old man of the zodiac did choose and marry an Aries. The impulsive baby. So The merry go round goes round. And the calliope music plays on.
This new outlook. This giving up hopelessness applies to everything and although in my home it’s our marital sex life that is currently on the table I can apply this new outlook to everything. I’ve already done it for where we live, how we school our kids, how we financially support ourselves, how we navigate life changing decisions and pandemics. And I couldn’t be happier. Everything in my life that Ive looked at through new eyes- that I turned inside out has turned out amazing. Many people have felt isolated throughout the pandemic. Not us. We navigated the pandemic like veteran sailors in a storm at sea. We weaved and dodged. We had no expectation. We made decisions as problems presented themselves. We gave up the hopelessness of ever recovering the way life was. We stepped into the present moment and embraced the unknown. I love our life. Ive loved the last few years and where the 2020 storm has taken us. It wasn’t always easy to not know. As doors were closing we had to have faith that the universe was conspiring for something bigger and better. And it was. I’m just now seeing the big reveal of the rest of my life and wow, more than I could have ever imagined. More than I could have expected or defined. It takes giving up definitions, norms and expectations. And also giving up hopelessness.
In 2015 I received the message from the universe that it was time to sell our beloved home of over a decade. Then I got the message to quit my very successful career for a job that paid 70% less. Two years later I found myself in a house I didn’t like and quitting that job, only to get the guidance that it was time to move again and again and to begin homeschooling in 2019 and buy a house in Hawaii and to buy a house 50% more than I felt comfortable. To rush my husband into surgery in February 2020 and then when the pandemic hit we got guidance to start packing like we were never coming back and to move across an ocean and embrace the not knowing of it all. As we stepped out of regular employment and into becoming bed and breakfast operators we soon got the guidance to quit running the BnB and we knew another door wanted to open but the not knowing what it was – was excruciating and required a complete leap of faith and to embrace the discomfort of not knowing. Of having no definition. Of giving up the hopelessness and walking into wonder. Now we see the future we want to co-create. We see the door opening. And again we are embracing the wonder of not knowing and walking through the threshold of this way of relating through energy exchange. This way of giving up gender roles and norms. Co-creating new earth is fun. It’s exciting, it’s new. Walking away from the old earth is not hard. The narrow path of following the wisdom and guidance with blind faith has been amazing and the feelings of protection and glory are overwhelming. When others talk about the isolation and challenges they’ve had the past two years I honestly cannot relate. I just keep following the guidance listening to my spirit guides. Recently they told me to buy a house in Cleveland. They’ve actually been saying it for a while but I just did it. And I have no idea why but I know it’s for my own good and for my successful traverse of this threshold we are upon into the new empire. I’m there.
