Blogging for me has become an outlet. When I experience the world as intentions and energy it can be helpful to write down what I am experiencing so that it becomes more transparent in a way. Taking it from the feeling world into the logical one. Many times what I’m feeling or experiencing as energy and intention does not align with what is being presented to me. And so I write. I write the feeling of it. And a picture emerges. One that my logical mind can then reconcile.
When we understand that we are souls having an earthly experience, we acknowledge that sometimes our relationships here on earth come with other worldly baggage. A well known and respected astrosopher (astrology reader influenced by Rudolf Steiner’s philosophy of the spiritual realm and past lives), David Gray, read my birth chart and was mesmerized – he said most people choose to meet a few people in this lifetime that they’ve known before in past lives. He said, “you’ve chosen that nearly everyone you meet has a past life connection with you.” He thought my life now on earth must be hard. I assured him I’m always up for a good challenge, I’m an over achiever soul. And that I know no other way. So it’s not hard for me. Just my normal. My everyday spiritual practice.
I’ve learned that when I sense a past life connection with someone new, I need to be cautious around that person. We have karma. Good or bad. Unfinished soul business. Our souls know each other. Even if our minds don’t remember. I have a practice now of checking in with my psychic to get a read on what the past life or soul interaction was and is. Before I engage too deeply.
I’ve had people who I’ve know for awhile and that I’ve recognized my past life connection with – step deeper into my life. And then I have to wonder, why? I reach out to the psychic. She’ll tell me something like, you were super close in a past life, I’ve been told I was best friends or siblings with another in another time but that they killed me. Or created a situation where I was killed. One person I am friends with now was my brother in a pst life. The psychic told me, he invited me into a dangerous situation, drinking was involved and I was killed by someone else in that situation. My psychic warned me not to get dragged into unhealthy situations by this person who’s soul may be experiencing repeating patterns. Good advice. Funny he doesn’t drink in this lifetime. His soul has already learned that karmic lesson from the past life.
Something else I know. The universe gives us situations so that we can learn lessons. If we don’t learn the lesson – we’re given the same scenario again in a different situation. And the lesson keeps repeating this way starting out more subtle and escalating until we get it. Now when I see someone in this loop of experiencing the same scenario over and over, I tend to get out of that situation. I don’t need to be entangled in their karmic lesson on repeat.
The feeling of recognizing someone on a soul level can be one of pure unconditional love – for a total stranger. You just have a knowing familiarity about them from the moment you first meet. Or it can be an immediate repulsion – for no reason. But also a connection. And frequently they will like me even when I’m feeling repulsed by them. And so we begin the dance. Going about our lives together in relationship to one another, in community. Me aware that there is something more beneath the surface. More than our current life experience. Cautious. Truly I should run for the hills and become a hermit. But I love the mystery of it all.
One parent in my circle joked with me when we first met. In a way that suggested I felt familiar to him and so his inner child wanted to play. And immediately I didn’t like him. For no good reason. He seemed to like me OK. I sensed he had some reservations with me after a bit although we haven’t let it get in the way of our polite and cordial interactions. Just unspoken feelings. Not logical. Our kids are friends and they sleepover at each other’s house. I’ve tuned in with the psychic. Fist she said, he hated me in a past life. Because I warned other women about his womanizing and he slit my throat to stop me. That’s some insanely heavy past life karmic awareness. No wonder I didn’t like him. And it’s funny. I’ve met many people who have killed me in a past life. I even married one (and later divorced him). Sometimes it’s repulsion and sometimes it’s a love/ hate attraction. When you’ve lived many lives you’ve also experienced death many times and many ways. For some reason I have an inordinately large experience with untimely death. Really hoping for a natural cause old age death this time around. Although my astrological birth chart suggests I’ll drown. So, not sure.
Many times, having boundaries with people who took advantage of me in a past life is the lesson for me in in this incarnation. Trusting my intuition and leaning into the opportunity to take my power back is the lesson. And when we put up boundaries with people who are themselves in a repeating pattern where they have not learned their lesson. They get pissed. They can become very hurtful, lashing out and injurious. Trying to be right by telling their “story” to others. The story of their victim hood. It can be come a war of wills.
I’m in one such battle currently. In a past life we were best friends. Thick as thieves the psychic said. Maybe even sisters. Or at least like sisters. But she killed me to steal my husband. Whoa! Thats crazy. And right away in our relationship she expected that everything that was mine was hers. She took advantage of my generosity to her own benefit. I had to start laying down the boundaries. Saying no. She didn’t like this one bit. She is the kind of person who manipulates men with sex. I remember her confiding in me one day, after a long day of working/volunteering on a project for her, she noticed her man was worn out and exhausted. His enthusiasm for the project was rapidly waning. She leaned over and said to me, “I just need to spend some time with him tonight, love on him. You know?” She may have even winked. Inferring that we women all do this. And wanting me to confirm that I also do this. I quickly followed with – I don’t do that. To which she was surprised. My husband still happily helping out. Intrinsic vs extrinsic ways of motivating. She was stuck in the extrinsic paradigm. And I’ve learned over time with her that she is very motivated by money herself. Also extrinsic. She can be greedy and not generous. But what she peddles is a fake sense of endearment. She overly hugs men and flirts to gain their compliance in her money making endeavors. My husband even experienced her coming to him in a dream to engage in sex with her. Sex isnt just a physical act for pleasure. It’s a merging and energy exchange on the most basic life force root chakra level. It can be very intoxicating. She uses it as an carrot. Her heart chakra is completely closed. She operates from her root chakra. Constantly creating but without the generosity and compassion to sustain the team to see it through. She is not in her heart space. She constantly feels like a fraud. She is out of alignment with her soul. Disconnected. And repeating dangerous patterns. Aware I’ve tried to navigate out from her karmic lesson.
For the past two years my family and I have supported her. Hosted events on our property for her and showed up. We were happy to do so. We wanted to be a part of the community she had created. Even when she didn’t show up herself.
I noticed right away that she would ask for volunteers to help her but then not work shoulder to shoulder with them. Like they worked for her or owed her something. So I stopped showing up in that capacity. Because I don’t owe her anything.
Then the repeat pattern started showing up. We suffered a huge financial set back directly related to our generosity in providing space to her business. The loss wasn’t her fault but she seemed oblivious to the situation she had inadvertently put us in. She asked us and others to continue providing her space without any awareness, conversation or even acknowledgment of our loss or any consideration for how to make us whole or mitigate that scenario in the future. After we said no to her and put up a firm boundary – no longer offering her our space. We saw her willing to put another family in the same situation without any concern for their experience. Without even mentioning the possible risks that would need to be mitigated.
And in a different scenario, a dangerous situation was created for another family in our community. we all rallied around to support that family and her when it happened. It was such an extremely bad situation that any normal person would have been loath to repeat it. But not her. She asked the family to host her business again in the same way just a month later. And they did. And the lesson repeated. The family learned the lesson and put up a boundary. But she did not learn. And is still trying to find a host to do it again. When I voiced my concern – she took a very hard stance with me, indicating her inflexibility. Each time she takes a blow she gets back up and hits her head against the same wall. Only now she is running out of walls. As each person in her circle steps back from her dangerous behavior. She just finds new people to work with back-filling the void of those leaving as quickly as it forms.
And today she tells a story about how she is on a healing journey and cannot collaborate with me. How she is unable to open her heart to me, sending an invitation to an annual event that we hosted the past two years to everyone in our circle but me. Moving the event to her own property and charging an admission. Excluding me intentionally. And telling a pitty story to herself. And maybe even to others. Like a wild animal in a cage. Beating its head against the cage, contained now so that it cannot hurt others.
But some are still willing to go near the cage. Maybe even step inside for a fee. They feel sorry for her. And so do I, in a way. But I’ve been bitten. And in more than one lifetime. I find her egoic reaction to me fascinating. The human ego is able to feel like the victim of the hand that fed them. I will not be bitten again. She can tell her story to whomever will listen. But I know that I was generous. I tried to help and mitigate. I showed up for her repeatedly. I spoke to her directly when I had observations. She has an opportunity to right some big karma. Learn some big lessons. Break open her heart. But I don’t think she is walking through that door. Instead she is hosting a pitty party of one and calling it a healing journey. One where she needs to be far from me to “heal”. Somehow me showing up fully is a mirror and as her soul finds its reflection – she turns away. She can’t look. Can’t engage. Can’t face her own wounds and shadow. She is unwell.
I’m not always sure what to do in these situations. Sticking around just perpetuates the lashing out. So I know I have to remove myself. Move on without her. Withdraw myself and my family from her influence and reach. I’m getting tingles as I write this. Remembering other times when I’ve had to make this hard decision and also remembering that it was always the right thing to do. Even when it wasn’t easy. Even when it was disruptive to our family. I have always come out ahead. In a better place and position.
And that is the answer I needed to find in writing this all down. Clarity comes from a place of balance between love and compassion. Generosity and boundaries. Gratitude and Forgiveness. I have clarity. Moving on. Confident in my own uprightness. And without attaching to a story another’s ego has created to avoid her own shadow work. There is no healing in that. Only self-pitty and victim mentality. Sad for her.
I’ve been wondering all week what the message of the full moon eclipse is for me. It happened this week in my 7th house of relationships. And now I’ve got the message. This relationship with her is ending. I’ve been getting the message that a relationship will end for weeks now. In tarot readings and in astrology. Each message is accompanied by a message about a new door opening. One that leads to greater joy. Many times the karmic wheel has shown up in my readings. This is all happening as it was planned before we were born. I see it now. The eclipse message has landed. No need to pine over the loss. Just moving on. Looking forward. Ready for what else the universe has in store. Grateful for my intuitive and empathic gifts. Guidance from my angels and trust in the bigger picture. The universe is conspiring for all of our greatest good. We just have to let it. And allow ourselves to be nudged – sometimes in new directions and out of our comfort zones.
