As I rise slowly this Sunday morning I am contemplating what’s mine and also what’s not. I’ve been in a consciousness around calling back all the parts of myself that I gave away. Calling back my power. As someone who has found herself in yet another co-dependent relationship and only just now realizing this is a repeating pattern in my life – taking back my power is a good first step.
The 2nd step though is returning what I’ve been claiming that isn’t mine. Like a child returning a seashell to the sea once a living creature is spotted within its spiral form. I collected people into my life that seemed beautiful and helpful. And now I’m realizing they weren’t what I thought. They weren’t additive to my life. They actually have their own agenda and own energy. In many ways all the attributes I assigned them are a facade. I thought I couldn’t live without them. Or at least that I’d be better off with them. They told me stories about how helpful and great they were. In truth everything in its own right is great – but when it comes to me I can only evaluate qualities in relationship to my own being. And I’m learning not to keep every beautiful seashell that desires I save it from the shore. I really only have room for a few. The broken ones for sure should be left to become sand. And the living ones who would die in my care if removed from the sea – those should also be left behind to live their authentic life. Not with me. Discernment is required now.
I’m noticing that I filled up all the space in my curio cabinet of life with broken and trapped people. To the degree that there is no room for parts of myself that I should have kept close and not loaned out or let go or left behind at a party somewhere.
My kid’s dad does this. It drives me mad but now I see the reflection of a lesson for me. He puts things away. Not in their right place , just neatly out of sight. He does this to clean the house. So it looks clean. But really everything in the cupboards and closets is in the wrong place. It plays out like this. A large package of toilet paper gets placed on the shelf where the clean towels go. Now when the clean towels come out of the laundry they have no place to be so he puts them in the drawer where the storage containers go. And when the storage containers come out of the dishwasher they have no place to be so they get put on the shelf where the dishes go. And on and on. Then when I go to get a towel there are only a few on the shelf and mostly a dwindling package of TP. And so I think we’ve lost some towels and I buy more. The whole scenario is crazy making. Everything ends up in the wrong place and yet he claims victory for cleaning the house. This is a metaphor for my life.
I gave away my power and it affected my finances. (Because money is power of course) I worked harder to bring in more money and it took me away from what I wanted to spend time on. So I outsourced and hired help – giving away more power. I betrayed myself. And then the betrayal was mirrored back to me by the universe.
Now I’m seeing it. I’m taking back the towels to that shelf and freeing up the storage container drawer. But I also have to return the extra towels that I never needed more of. I’m finding there are people in my life that I thought I needed. But I didn’t. And they are in the way of taking back my power because they are taking up space where parts of me should be.
In my co-dependent relationship I gave up my inner divine masculine. I substituted for another who was willing to do the job. Willing to fill in. Why did I do this? Because I believed a false narrative. I believed in the rejection I felt. But really it was a story. One I should have unpacked long ago.
As I clean out the closet if my life I’m getting rid of all that is not mine. That does not serve me. I’m giving back all the things I thought I needed. I’m making space. I’m seeing through the illusion. All sides of it. No one can replace me. No one can take up space in my place. Where I belong. I’m her. She is not me. I’m the best mom. I’m the most creative. I’m the divine feminine. And that man who I’ve been keeping in my house. He’s not me either. Free I’ve set him to go live his best life back in the sea. Making room for my divine masculine to show up and be present.
The abundance is returning to my life. The balance and happiness. But I still have one more person to evict from that curio cabinet of my life. One more wrong placement. Maybe she has a place but it’s not on the top shelf. That’s my place. the story she told to get herself there wasn’t true. And I’m not inclined to believe those stories anymore. Giving them back. All the way back.
You know that feeling when the house isn’t just clean but it’s also organized. Deeply organized. Like all the things are in their right place. Contents organized even within the drawer. Towels all folded the same way. Bins labeled. Color coded. In rainbow order. When the house is clean. And the closets and drawers are also deeply organized – that’s the feeling I’m manifesting in my life. My soul craves the end of chaos. The end of subtle annoyances. That one wall that never got pained around the light fixture – it’s getting painted. That basket of shoes that has at least three pair I’ll never wear again – they are getting sorted out. And who will be sorting and organizing with me? Me. I will be. All of me. No one else. not waiting. Taking back and also returning.