Some baggage is like a suitcase but guilt is more like a large and very heavy trunk. With extra locks on the outside. It’s hard to find the different keys to open. And the thought of unpacking something so large is, well, overwhelming. So we don’t. We just leave it neatly packed and locked up. You know, it becomes an ever present and almost unmovable coffee table in our life. We start to set things upon it. And build our life around it.
Maybe we don’t need to unpack it. It’s become almost functional. We’ve gotten used to it. In fact we barely remember what’s in there. Now after many years we not only have baggage. And a large piece of furniture we’ve worked around for so long we can’t remember life without it – we also have a time capsule.
Let’s begin. Let’s hold space for this unpacking. In fact if you have a large trunk called guilt and I do too. We can unpack it together. I’ll go first. We might need some snacks and beverages for this. Let’s make it a party. But let’s also stay sober so – choose your beverages wisely. It might be a long night.
In fact we may need more support than just a trusted friend to hold space for us as we open this pandora’s box. Let’s call in the spirit guides, angels and maybe even an archangel. Let’s ask them to clear out any uninvited guests or negative energy in our space – who needs that kind of help? Right?!
So now we have spiritual support. A bestie with drinks and snacks ready to hold space as we dig in. Deep breath. Are we ready? Yes. No. Ok yes! Doing it.
I wonder if we know where the keys are? What if we can’t find the keys? Lost them. Oh sure, that is a good reason why we can’t open this trunk. Guess we’ll have to call a locksmith – that could take awhile. And it sounds expensive. Maybe next year.
Here you go, says bestie. As she instantly pulls out a very large pair of lock cutters. (It’s like a scene out of Mary Poppins). “I got you!” OK, good thing we invited bestie to this guilt unpacking party – no excuses. We’re going in.
What do they say in treatment centers? Acknowledging there is a problem is the first step. Ok, yes – let’s keep that sage advice. I don’t agree with all treatment center rhetoric but I think we can and maybe should agree that the large trunk of guilt is a problem and it needs to be unpacked. All comments about how lovely a coffee table it makes aside. We’re committed to unpacking it.
Whoa! One lock, two locks, three locks cut. That feels powerful. We are really doing this. It’s the moment of hesitation. Lots of thoughts flooding n in. Long pause. Once we open the lid – it’s open. It might smell. It might be dusty. It might… So many unappealing thoughts about what could be just inside. We’ll never know unless we open it. And so after making eye contact with bestie as if to say, whatever this is – I see you and you are here with me and we’re about to experience this together. Yes, I got you – is the unspoken agreement in that eye contact. And also an jntense – and unsaid, I’ll also see you if you don’t open it. Summoning courage – the lid is thrown open! A little musty smelling but not bad. We see only the top layer of tightly packed fabric pressed in the shape of the lid.
The fabric a bit crunchy like old taffeta. And as we pull it up it smells old like an attic. I don’t even remember this fabric. It’s vaguely familiar but I have no memory of the clothing that it was. Maybe a jacket. From a bygone era. It wouldn’t even fit now. This guilt is so old – we’ve outgrown it.
So this is the first thing we come to realize We’ve grown and changed from when this guilt was packed away. Maybe changed a lot. How little or young where we then? How much less experienced where we?
Empathy starts to fill in. We’ve felt bad about our selves all these adult years for something that happened when maybe we weren’t very mature. Or maybe we were a teen or child. I feel sad for that young person who was in that situation. Maybe an impossible situation. Maybe a situation we always wished had gone differently. That’s the guilt. With hindsight we have time to sort it out and think of a million different ways it could have gone. But in the moment it went the way it did. We were young, we couldn’t have imagined how much regret we would have and very possibly there were other factors at play that we weren’t consciously aware of. Grooming. Maybe others who we looked up to. Or were fearful of on some level. Bullies. Or adults who could ruin us. Adults who we trusted. They knew what they were putting us up to. And we only knew that we knew. Let’s give our empathy a moment to breath here. Let’s let ourself off the hook a little. Let’s have some Grace with ourself. Repeat after me, “I did the best I could given the situation I was in with the limited perspective I had at the time.”
Time for snacks and a drink. Would we do it differently now, that we know better? Now that we know how it turns out. And how bad guilt feels, especially when carried for years? Yes of course we would not repeat that same decision if we had it to do over again. Hindsight is a gift we have now. In fact the thing that we’ve felt so guilty about all these years gave us the experience that has in some ways made us wiser adults. We’ve never repeated that mistake. Eyes wide open. And that’s something that we can be grateful for. Not the situation or the action but the wisdom we gained. There is some reassurance in that. But the empathy for ourselves is where we need to sit in this moment. It’s ok to feel sad a little too. Sad for that child, sad for the loss of innocence and for the situation s/he was placed in.
Dropping that crusty taffeta strait jacket into a trash bag without even unfolding it – we look now to the next layer. It’s white. Like purity. Also pressed from the compact state of the trunk. The wrinkles pressed deeply into the fabric. But not crusty. It’s made of soft cotton. As we open it up – it’s a perfect collared shirt. Slightly smaller than one we would wear now. The fabric is unblemished except maybe for a slight smell of dust. Definitely could be washed and used by someone who it would fit. It’s sort of a reminder of who we were before the trunk was closed and locked. A peek into a time before. A remembering of the potential. And plans that caused that shirt to be there in the first place. A staple in our wardrobe at that time. Maybe for a special occasion. Or to wear to a formal function. One of those items our parents bought for us to look and present our best self. That’s right, it represents potential. And also expectation. To be successful. To do the right thing. So much expectation. And that still lives somewhere within us too. Disappointment in our selves for not meeting the expectation is part of the guilt. Noted.
We acknowledge that potential and set the white shirt aside. We go deeper. So many forgotten treasures and neatly packed things. Most of which we wouldn’t keep now after all these years. Maybe one or two small things that we’re happy to reclaim. A baseball card from back in the day. The photo of our childhood friend. An old cigar box with small trinkets and treasures that evoke a more simple time in our lives. Sweetness.
And deep down at the bottom of this massive trunk are the shoes and dirty socks. Barely recognizable. Discolored from age and also well preserved. The shoes that walked on a certain path. Our shoes. Our path. One that ended here in this trunk. How did we get to the crossroads that the trunk represents? The moment in time we can never come back from? Maybe we’ve wondered this and rehashed this for years or even decades. why did this happen. Why did it happen to me?
And then below the shoes a magazine. with a very old date. And a cover photo that is so retro we are instantly reminded that time does not stand still. That change is constant. The cover article is newsworthy but not current. It was news back when the trunk was packed and now it’s history. Not something we talk about anymore. Not relevant. And yet the page has stuck to the bottom of the trunk. And when we pull it up part of the picture from the back page stays fixed to the trunk. An imprint.
Karma. It imprints our soul. We create and we experience it. We spend lifetimes balancing it. we can only hope to balance more than we create. To attract less over time. We can be grateful for the experiences that balance our karma. The experiences that balance the karma for our soul. Or that heal ancestral wounds. Who knows why we have the experiences we do but the imprints stay with us until we scrub them out. And refinish the old trunk. Or give it away to become new for someone else. That shit happened. That ship sailed. I trust that all of my experiences were attracted into my life because I had something to learn, some karma to balance or some pattern I’m being shown to end. I choose not to allow my value to be diminished. Not to feel unworthy of love and care. I recognize the sacrifice I made in the experience. I recognize my part in it. I also recognize that I am a better and stronger person now. That I survived that time and those circumstances. That I have made amends where needed and changed my life as a result.
I’d like to introduce a soul perspective here. What if we experienced something horrific to right the karma for someone else. Like for our soul family. Maybe it could be likened to the Christ dying for mankind’s sins. What if we enjoyed the thing we shouldn’t have. Because we experienced it for more than just ourselves. I know it’s a little out there. But in truth this happens all the time. Two incarnations of the same soul could experience separately something that was meant for both. Like one Soul commits an atrocity in a past life. Then in a future life that one soul incarnates into two separate people. And one of those people is killed to amend for the karma of the two. But that creates more karma because the one left standing now has to endure grief. So in the next life the other is sexually abused and this creates a block for them from receiving true love as an adult. Which karmically keeps their divine counterpart separated from them. And in grief. Round and round it goes. When we stop and choose consciously to lead with unconditional love for our selves and others is when we can break the karmic loop.
If I’ve felt unworthy, undeserving, unlovable. I now choose to shine light in all the places that I didn’t choose my best life because of guilt. I choose to see all the choices and actions that were a re-action. A karmic loop. I see that my trauma and guilt caused me to play small. To hold limiting beliefs. To expect less. To feel lucky to be accepted by those who don’t treat me like the amazing human I am. I see where I haven’t lived up to my fullest potential because of the fucked up situation that I’ve felt guilty about all these years. I see that my soul was shattered. My heart was broken. I have work to do to bring those fragments back into wholeness. I have work to do to find those pieces and know that I can fix what was broken. I have the tools. I can be better. I can expect more of myself. I owe it to myself to come back from this. To let go of the musty old trunk. To reclaim the potential of my childhood. To rise above. To reframe the story of guilt into one of balance and gratitude. To know that whatever childhood or ancestral trauma brought me to the crossroads that handed me a situation laden with shame and guilt as baggage – I can hold a new story now. One of doing the work. To sit down and dissect a very old trunk. To take it apart and understand it. To allow another to witness me in my un-doing. To ask for the support and space holding I would give to another.
Huge out breath. Leaning in always seems so hard before we start. The reward when the work is done is so great. So much lighter. Everything gets easier. Life gets easier. Joy returns.
I’m here for you, snacks at the ready. Let me know when you want to get this unpacking party started.
